The Zoo Incident!

I am not proud of this puzzle piece of my life (please read about my journey of finding my puzzle pieces and what it means: Homepage, About Me) For years, it was hidden inside me making me resent my mother with a deep passion. My eyes and heart of a child accompanied me for many years blaming her. Who knew that such a simple event like a field trip could have produced such resentment…?

I was in 3^rd grade at St. Malachy’s Catholic School.  The school year ended, and I was looking forward to summer vacation!

My Mom told me I had to take summer school for Math. It was a two hour class each morning.  We were only 3 students in an informal atmosphere. I loved the attention of getting individualized help. It was the first time and I totally enjoyed it! The end of summer school was to be celebrated with a field trip to the Bronx Zoo.

My Mom signed the permission slip, and I happily took it to school. I was told to be at school 15 minutes before the hour which was 2:00 pm for the bus to leave for the Zoo.

I remember saying to Mom what I understood as the time to be there was 2:15 pm.

The day of the field trip arrived, and I couldn’t wait for the afternoon to walk from home around the block to school. Once Mom and I started to walk, Mom took me across the avenue to the supermarket to buy a snack for the trip. I wanted so bad to be at school already, not wanting to miss the bus! But she insisted because there was “plenty” of time.

It wasn’t everyday Mom would say choose your snack. I remember feeling important because I was given the opportunity to pick out something. There was a line at the cash register, and I started to get nervous. I looked at Mom, but she had a poker face. I couldn’t see any signs of concern.

Once we arrived at the school, there was no school bus and I thought we had gotten there early. My Mom asked someone in the school lobby about the bus. Sadly, the person said the bus had left 15 minutes earlier…my world crashed around me! I couldn’t believe Mom made me miss the bus! And all to buy a snack! I mean those extra 15 minutes it took to go buy the cookies was what made it worse!

We walked home in silence. I really felt dejected, and angry with my Mom. The consolation prize was to eat my cookies before dinner without having to share with anyone.

All my life I blamed Mom. It was a thorn in my side that kept stabbing me, even though there were other moments later in life that she “fouled up”, but this is the one that stuck forever!

I started attending a church program called ChristLife in 2019. In one of the weekly sessions of the program, there is a particular week in which the importance of Forgiveness is stressed. We go through a process of forgiving key people in our lives.

A pivotal moment for me was when I remembered another moment in which I had mistaken the time for a school wide Mass to be given at church. The teacher said the Mass was to be at 8:45 am. I actually argued stubbornly to Mom that it meant 15 minutes to 8 o’clock. Mom wanted to attend so we got there at 7:45am.

Indeed, there was an earlier Mass, but the church was nearly empty. Just a few people were present. The school altar boy assigned to this Mass came over to me. He recognized the school uniform, and said that if I received Holy communion now, I wouldn’t be able to at the school wide Mass later that morning. I just nodded to him okay without really understanding the implications.

Afterwards, Mom said that I was wrong about the time of the School Mass. I don’t remember if the Zoo incident was before or after the Mass screw-up. It never mattered – the Zoo incident was still the thorn.

During the process of the Forgiving session, it hit me! I probably messed up the timing of the Zoo trip too! It wasn’t my Mom’s fault!!! All these years I festered the disappointment and blame on my Mom.

I cried when I realized that I needed to forgive! At first, I thought it was Mom I had to forgive and said “¡Ay Bendito!” … The realization made me wonder, what other baggage I carried in relation to Mom.

Then a friend pointed out to me that maybe it wasn’t my Mom that had to be forgiven but – myself! I was the one who messed up! It was my mistake that created the situation of missing the bus, not my mother!

The bubble surrounding me popped! I found myself free. Free from the thorn placed by me to blame Mom. I genuinely thought I was the victim.

Thanks to the Holy Spirit, I was enlightened during the ceremony of Forgiveness. I felt pity for my Mom and shame for myself. But it only lasted a moment because the Holy Spirit liberated my guilt and let me move forward and say:

“Mom, I’m sorry for the pain I must have caused you when we went home that day and you saw me hurting while I blamed you. I’m sorry for doubting you all these years about this incident. On the contrary, I thank you for being you! I am so sorry! I love you, Mom!”

Thanks to the ChristLife Program and the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit, I was able to forgive myself, and realize the special mom I had.

Today, I thank God for my journey of searching for pieces of my puzzle. Pieces that define me as I am today. Because of the ChristLife program, I was able to take a puzzle piece from long ago and reshape it from anger and resentment to gratefulness and appreciation. This awareness took me to another place – one of love and acceptance. Sadly, my Mom passed away in 2013. (You can read about it here: When She Left).

I couldn’t tell her face to face about the transformation I experienced. But at least with this blog post, I can let the Universe know how much I miss my wonderful Mom!

Do you have a puzzle piece to share that transformed you into a better person? Please share with me below. I would love to read about it!