When She Left

July/2020

I started reading a novel the other day that made me think about certain moments in my puzzle of life. (See Welcome to my blog and About Me) It also evoked the last days of Mom since the novel presented a similar situation. The idea that things can happen for a reason illuminated my family’s consideration or notion that there’s usually a reason for everything that happens. I used to think it couldn’t be true. I mean, everything? But lately, Life is teaching me otherwise. More and more, as I recall different moments from the past, it seems that my family is on to something. I’ve been suspecting it might be true deep down inside of me.

How will I discover the truth? This journey of writing is a way to commit towards the goal of uncovering the truth. Do things happen for a reason? Another piece of the bigger picture to be handled. In the end, the discovery of each puzzle piece might make sense of putting together the purpose for each “event”.

Getting back to the novel, while reading, have you ever felt like it takes you back in time to certain moments of your life? It happens to me a lot. BOOM! A twilight zone moment occurs! Suddenly you’re right there in the middle of it all…

Thursday/December 5^th/2013

7:00 am Hospital Emergency Room

Mom had been wrestling with breast cancer for about a decade. During the last 3 years of the decade, the cancer metastasized to some of her vertebrae in her back, to the base of her skull, and to her lungs where she had about 3-4 cancerous lesions. Before that Mom had been in remission for about 2 years. The remission came after 5 years of treatment by mouth of a chemo in the form of a tiny powerful pill called Arimidex (if I remember correctly). This medication was used as a follow-up treatment of the original chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Basically she was with cancer for a little over ten years.

The ER doctor was asking questions about Mom’s health. Mom’s background history with cancer was explained to him. All that Mom had been through, including the spread of the cancer to other parts of her body. Mom’s symptoms were the terrible headache and nauseous with frequent vomiting of clear liquids.

To make a long story short, the doctor ordered a cat scan of her brain because not even morphine was killing the pain. My suspicion was that the cancer was in her brain. I said to myself that she was probably going to be sent home to quietly die. Mom wanted to go home. I told her that we had to wait the results of the cat scan. A couple of hours later, the ER doctor came with the results. He confirmed that the cancer caused her stroke. The cancer was eating her brain and causing it to bleed.

6:00 pm Hospital ER

The Internist specialist assigned to Mom came to admit her officially into the hospital. I noticed while Mom was moved to another part of the ER to prep her for the Intensive Care Unit, she looked like she was asleep.  Little did I know that she would never wake up again. Hindsight, if I had known she was in her last minutes awake, I would have said my good-bye together with my husband, and my sister who had just arrived.

Once she was taken to the intensive care unit, the bad news of her deep coma was given.  Mom died about a couple of weeks later. In the early hours of the morning of December 21,^st 2013.

Being Mom’s care giver made me think of her date leaving us, the first day in the ER. (You know, the 5th of Dec.) Though she was taken up to the ICU, Mom was still breathing on her own – her brain was swollen and caving into itself. The doctors never declared her brain dead.

If she would have been sent home that same day, she would have died that night at home. I still wonder why the doctors kept her alive. For money?

Again, that word – hindsight – it was a blessing having Mom in the ICU because she had good care 24/7. The family knew she was in good hands every time we went home for the day. Mom having died in the hospital peacefully made it easier for everyone. Things happen for a reason.

On the day of her wake, my cousin Michelle (name has been changed) walked over to me to let me know how Mom saved her father (Mom’s older brother) from a terrible fall while Mom was in a coma at the hospital.

Growing up, I had heard my aunts and uncles talk about people doing things while agonizing in their beds. Their bodies practically dead, yet their spirit was active wandering about before actually dying. How awed I felt that Mom was one of those cases.

Then I remembered the night before Mom died, around 11:00 pm, I heard someone tinkling with things in the laundry section like Mom used to do when she would do the laundry. I never looked to see who was there. Maybe it was Mom visiting before leaving this earth.

A few days before Mom left us permanently, in the middle of the night, Michelle heard Mom’s voice calling out to her- “Michelle, Michelle!”

My cousin Michelle thought, “That’s strange! It sounds just like Auntie’s voice! How could that be? She’s in the hospital in a coma…” She followed the sound of the voice to her father’s room.

There Michelle saw her father about to fall off from the bed. She was quick enough to grab him before his head hit the floor. Her father had been frail for the last few years. He could have easily broken a bone. Thank God Michelle heard Mom’s voice and followed it.

I realized that there was a reason for Mom staying longer on earth. She became a rescuer before her death. The phrase – Things happen for a reason – came to mind.

My sister, Dannielle (name changed), was not ready for Mom to leave us yet. The situation was different for her because my sister could only participate weekly or monthly to help out. She lived an hour’s ride from home and worked long hours at her job. I knew she was not ready to let Mom go. I noticed her crying a couple of times by Mom’s bedside.

The time Mom was in a coma permitted everyone to come to grips with her final days, her final hours. Danielle learned to accept the coming loss. I was ready since the first day in the ER. As the care giver, I knew she was suffering and I wanted her to be at peace without the pain.

Again – Things happen for a reason. Sometimes it’s for the benefit of who is going through the situation. Other times, though we don’t know it at that precise moment, the benefit is for those around the ailing person (family, medics, strangers, anybody). They are impacted by what’s happening and can have a moment of transformation as a result.

July/2020

Do I still feel like Mom left us that first day on the 5th of December in the ER? No. Good things happened during those days of her coma. Only a couple have been mentioned this time. Another day, I’ll talk about other mini puzzle pieces that are related to the final days of Mom.

The situation of Mom’s last days in the hospital is another example of how different pieces of moments fit together like a picture puzzle of Life. I can better understand now that things do happen for a reason. These things affect how we act in future moments.

You can read more moments at the Featured section.

Please join me on the journey of putting the pieces back together for the bigger picture. Why don’t you share a piece of your puzzle with me? I would love to hear from you! Please comment below.